NRL 2018 - Round 4

Remember last year when NRL fans wouldn't fucking stop yelling about how there were too many teams not being penalised for being offside, for fucking around in the ruck and for dicking around in the play-the-ball?  After watching the opening three rounds this year, it has become pretty apparent that they refs have listened to the calls and are actually penalising the players for on-field indiscretions.  

Unfortunately, now it’s a deadset penaltython, and now it's the commentators, players and coaches that aren’t happy to be forced to actually abide by the rules of the game, announcing their displeasure at the referees actually upholding the laws of the sport and thereby destroying the sport of rugby league.  The stricter eye on the rules has resulted in some excruciatingly slow and disjointed games of footy, with perennial penalty-whores Melbourne, Cronulla and Brisbane so far unwilling to change their game plans to accommodate a whistle-blower who is not in the mood to fuck around.  It has also seen the refs happy to stop play for pretty much anything, including fucking up last week’s Broncos vs Tigers game by giving Brisbane 2 points they sorely didn’t deserve. 

My solution:  keep at it, lads.  Penalise those cheating fuckers until they learn. 

LAST WEEK

The Cowboys have added to their offensive play list – in addition to “give it to Thurston & hope for the best”, they now have “give it to Hess & hope for the best.”

St George have jumped out of the blocks hard and fast (again) this year, with Hunt & Widdop controlling the game and playing as if they’ve been best mates forever and their wives are friends too and they go to each other’s houses all the time and they’re planning on buying a boat together and they are the godparents of each other’s kids and they lend each other power tools and don’t get angry when it takes them an extra few weeks to return them.  It’s beautiful to see.  It would be more beautiful if it wasn’t at St George.

THIS WEEK

Manly are set to be handed a fine for massive breaches of their salary cap, as they tried to sneak Daly Cherry-Evans, the Trbojevic brothers, Martin Tapou and Todd Greenberg onto their dodgy accounts.  Manly have owned up to their mistake though, and began their penance last week by stripping themselves of a win so that the NRL wouldn’t have to do it later in the season.  I guess if you’re going to cheat, you might as well do it while everyone is distracted by the Australian cricket team.

ROUND 4

North Queensland Cowboys vs Penrith Panthers

With Penrith halfback Nathan Cleary out with what I can only imagine to be an injured chin seeing as it takes up 91% of his body, I’m tipping the Cows to get up in this one in a pretty scrappy affair. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canterbury Bulldogs

With both teams having  registered one win more than I had expected them to all year already, this is shaping up to be a barnstormer of a match of epically ordinary proportions.  Both teams are so slow that in years from now, this game will be used to explain to blind Americans how rugby league is played.

Cronulla Sharks vs Melbourne Storm

How will the Sharks fail to live up to expectations this week?  With Princess Moylan back in the starting line up, I’d say that’s a good place to start.  Melbourne should rack up a sand-paper-free cricket score in this one.

Sydney Roosters vs NZ Warriors

The Roosters’ Salary Sombrero is starting to pay off, as their star signings are clicking well on field in what can only be a terrifying prospect for opposition teams.  I’d say they should win this one pretty comfortably, but should watch out for Blair putting some cheap hits on Keary and Cronk, and everyone else.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Canberra fucking Raiders

The Raiders have lost all three games so far and are only -5 in point differential.  That’s quite an achievement.  I mean, a better achievement would be fucking winning a game.  Stupid bastards.  I’m not tipping you as an incentive to actually do something.

St George Dragons vs Newcastle Knights

Yeah, sorry Newy fans (both of you) – I think this weekend is going to make the 2018 Knights team look like the 2016 Knights team.

Brisbane Broncos vs Gold Coast Titans

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON the Broncos have the Sunday night game?  That’s about the most interesting part of this game, actually. 

Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels

The Eels will be missing Bevan French and Clint Gutherson this week through injury.  Jarryd Hayne is also not playing, but is less likely to be missed.  Here’s hoping that the Tigers continue to grind out games to keep Parra on the bottom of the ladder for just another week.

How not to play football: The final 2 minutes of Raiders vs Warriors

NRL 2018 - Round 3

Entering Round 3 of season 2018 and we’ve already had a year’s worth of upsets and statistical anomalies.  Leading the way is the Tigers, who have managed to sneak wins in both of their games so far by scoring just one try in each match.  For those who can’t count (Dugan), that’s two tries so far, which means that we’ve had more broken jaws this year already than the Tigers have four-pointers.  For the safety of the players, let’s hope that this trend doesn’t continue; on the other hand, for the sake of the spectators, let’s keep this shit going.  Nothing brings the crowds in like a bloke sitting on the field holding his face together. 

But the Tigers have done fantastically well so far, knocking off premiership favourites the Roosters and the Storm, and while they have been far from brilliant sporting matches to witness, I think it’s fair to start overreacting in welcoming our new Wests Tigers overlords.  Statues will be erected in their honour, stadiums dedicated to the achievements of the team, and a rule that all children born in the next 9 months are to be named “Benji” to honour the prodigal five-eighth.  In fact, Benji Marshall has already started that craze, by naming his own child after himself.

MILESTONES:

Last week, Billy Slater brought up his 300th game of his NRL career.  Well done, Billy – not only are you the greatest fullback of the modern era, you have also been responsible for at least three rule changes following your scientific research into the effects of studded boots against an opposition player’s face.  It was great to see Billy reach this landmark, and even better that he did it with a loss.   

Convicted drug cheat and Cronulla captain Paul Gallen is closing in on achieving a great milestone as well, and he needs just ten more losses to hold the record of most losses in NRL history.  Injuries non-permitting, we can probably expect to see Gal achieve this at some point during this season. 

The Tigers produced the most amount of penalties in a winning game last week, giving the ref 18 moments to blow his whistle.  The last time that a team conceded more than 18 penalties in a game was Cronulla (no surprises there), who lost 74-4 against the Eels. 

LAST WEEK: 

Sharks first half completion rate: 100%

Sharks second half completion rate: 20%

THIS WEEK: 

Melbourne Storm vs North Queensland Cowboys

It’s a grand final rematch – here’s hoping that the Cowboys’s's strategy of lulling Melbourne into a false sense of security by losing a premiership by five tries just to turn around and surprise them in round 3 the following year is a stroke of genius. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Penrith Panthers

Canterbury?  More like CAN’T-erbury, amirite?  I’m right.

Wests Tigers vs Broncos of course

Can the Tigers continue their giant-killing ways?  Probably not, and this will just give Brisbane fans more arrogance (like they need it) to go and misspell things awkwardly on Facebook.

Canberra Raiders vs NZ Warriors

I’m just going to hide under my bed until this game is over.  Who the fuck scores 28 points per game and still can’t sneak a win?  Raiders, just in case you missed that.  Don’t you make us lose by 2 points at you.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles

I’d say if the Rabbits can keep this one under half the flogging that the Sea Eagles gave Parra last week, they’ll be doing well.

Parramatta Eels vs Cronulla Sharks

There’s an old adage about being wary of a team that got smashed the previous week.  In that case, this game should just be cancelled and everyone gets to do some colouring in so no one gets hurt.  Parra have named Jarryd Hayne at fullback, which will strike fear into fucking no one. 

Gold Coast Titans vs St George Dragons

Well this game gets the official “NOBODY CARES” award that is usually only handed out about sixty-seven times per year. 

Sydney Roosters vs Newcastle Knights

Some say this is a Roosters versus Knights game, but we all know that it’s really just a Cronk vs Pearce showdown, as little Mitchy will be looking to show up the club that abandoned him like a single shoe on the side of the road.  I don’t care who wins, I just want someone to break their jaw, and that someone should be Mitchell Pearce. 

Fuck it, and Cronk as well.

Anthony Milford receives his participation award on his 12th birthday

NRL 2018 - Round 2

The NRL were determined not to just launch the 2018 season with competitive games and athletic prowess, and instead opted for the “there’s no such thing as bad publicity” adage as the start of the season was overshadowed by fuckwittery and dickheadedness with the signing of Matt Lodge for the Broncos.  Just in case you’ve been hiding in your bathroom while 120kg of meth-addled dickwit broke into your house and took you hostage, Matt Lodge did exactly that just two years ago while in New York.  Somehow he escaped doing a stint in jail and has so far managed to avoid paying compensation to his victims, then signed a six-figure contract (plus TPAs) to play footy.  Reports are that he may or may not have attended drug rehabilitation, and may or may not be in constant contact with his counsellor who may or may not exist.  Another report states that he has “written a letter of apology” to the family whose house he broke into and destroyed before being arrested, but that the letter has not been delivered as yet.  I don’t think that a McDonalds napkin with “I M SORY 4 BRAKING IN” written in crayon counts as a letter, but that’s just me and my lofty standards of not being a dick.

NRL “legend” Paul Gallen chimed in on another topic that he doesn’t understand and commented “if the NRL have cleared him, then he’s ok to play.  We’ve got players who have assaulted women and they’re still playing.”  Lucky for Gal, Lodge was also convicted of beating his ex-girlfriend in the same month as he decided to go postal in New York, so he has that caveat ticked off as well.  Welcome to the boys club, Matty! 

Enough was said last week about whether people like Matt Lodge should be allowed to play in the NRL, so I’ll just say that it was a genius move by Brisbane coach Wayne Bennett to sign a certified criminal lunatic to take the focus away from the fact that the rest of his team are shit. 

LAST WEEK

It was an interesting first round of football, with an upset from the Tigers, a nail-biter from the Knights, business as usual from the Storm, and the standard shitshow from Canberra, who managed to fuck up an 18-point lead AFTER 10 MINUTES to lose.  Just saying, when you put on 18-points in 10 minutes, you should be winning by 144 points at full time.   

My favourite play of Round 1 came from the St George vs Brisbane game, where Ben Hunt snaffled an intercept and scooted 60 metres to score a try, after he recognised the Broncos’ set-up from when he used to play for them for the past 5 years.  Hopefully this will be an ongoing occurrence this year after the player switcheroo that happened in the off-season; Cooper Cronk will know the Storm plays like the back of his hand, Mitchell Pearce has an insight to the Roosters, and James Maloney will recognise the Sharks plays - James Tedesco will be of no use though, as (a) the Tigers had no plays, and (b) he’d just fucken drop the ball anyway.

THIS WEEK
ROUND 2

 Cronulla Sharks vs St George Dragons

PHWOAR what a cracker of a game this should be – the Sharks will get a sneak preview of the players that they will try to sign in about six years, and the Dragons will get a chance to prove that having a strong forward pack, excellent ball-players in the halves and a solid backline is a great way to construct a rugby league team.   

Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs

NRL accountant:  We should look at the Roosters’ accounts.  Surely they can’t afford to have Cronk, Tedesco, Tupou, Mitchell, Ferguson, Keary, Warea-Hargreaves, Friend, Cordner, Aubusson and Napa?

Roosters:  Lose to Tigers.

NRL accountant:  Never mind.

Brisbane Broncos vs North Queensland Cowboys

It is going to be SO GOOD to finish Round 2 and still have Brisbane on 0 points and sitting at the bottom of the ladder.  The Cowboys looked pretty good last week and managed to control the game really well, despite not being able to convert possession and field position into points.  That shouldn’t be a problem this week – when in doubt, run at Milford, Nikorima or Boyd. 

NZ Warriors vs Gold Coast Titans

What happens when a moveable object meets a stoppable force?  This game.  The Titans might not want to keep giving up 18-point head starts to their opposition too often.  I mean, they could probably do it for this game, but maybe not too much after that.  Unless they play the Bulldogs.

Penrith Panthers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Q:  What's red and green and covered in butter?

A:  The Burgess Brothers 

And so the next phase of Souths has officially begun under their new coach – after halfback Adam Reynolds was injured last week and ruled out for 4 weeks, Souths have opted to ignore Robbie Farah and instead blood a new bloke named Adam Doueihi.  The most interesting thing about this match will be to see just how many variations of Doueihi the commentators can come up with over 80 minutes. 

Melbourne Storm vs Wests Tigers

Dear Melbourne, you should come and visit our tryline soon.  Love, The Tigers

Dear Tigers, thanks for the invite.  We will see you soon and often.  Cheers, Melbourne

Manly Sea Eagles vs Parramatta Eels

So the dream I had about Manly winning didn’t quite pan out, nor did everyone’s prophecies about Parra being good this year.  But you know what they say about tipping two teams who lost last week who are playing each other this week:  you can only tip one loser this week.  It’s a great saying.  Etch it onto my tombstone.

Canberra Raiders vs Knewcastle Nights

Imagine no one having any expectations of you, but you still manage to disappoint them?  That’s what it’s like being a Canberra fan.  I’ll still back them, but if they fuck out on me for another fifteen or sixteen years, I’ll be REALLY upset.

Reasons I don't play NRL:  I don't want to be fisted by Sideshow Bob

NRL 2018 - Round 1

We are just two sleeps away (or if you’re Matthew Lodge, no sleeps) from the start of the 2018 rugby league season, and it couldn’t have come soon enough; following a bumper 2017 season, we had to wait a whole month for the Rugby League World Cup, the Big Bash League, the Ashes, the ODI series, the Australian Open, the T20 series, the Superbowl, the World Club Challenge, the Winter Olympics and the South African cricket tour.  I’m not going to say that there was ever too much sport on, but at one point I’m pretty sure that I almost intentionally watched golf. 

NRL season 2017 ended with a bang and a whimper as the Storm did what we all thought they’d do and thoroughly whack the Cowboys in the grand final to reign as premiers until the NRL check their accounts again.  Since then, the rugby league world has been given a thorough shake-up as coaches hit the “randomise” button for their teams and The Great Player Swap of 2017-18 was born. 

We've had Cooper Cronk move to the Roosters, which forced Mitchell Pearce out to Newcastle because he’s a little bitch who doesn’t like sharing his toys;  Matt Moylan repaid the Panthers’ loyalty of making him club captain by going to the Sharks alongside Josh Dugan; Sam Fucking Kasiano is at the Storm; Josh Reynolds is now a Tiger; Aaron Woods is at the Dogs; Ben Hunt left the Broncos and his 2015 nightmare for the Saints… and that’s just the top of the penguin on the iceberg lettuce. 

A huge point of interest for league fans this year will be how easily the new star players fit in with their new teammates.  I hope they don’t and everyone looks stupid for trading players like Pokemon cards, if Pokemon actually does involve trading cards.  I don’t know, I missed the whole Pokemon thing, but I’m pretty sure there’s a giant turtle and a talking cat involved.  And Pikachu, who is probably Cooper Cronk.

There have been so many trades over the off-season that there are plenty of grudge matches every week as former teammates become bitter enemies.  Here's hoping that dipshits like Aaron Woods and Josh Dugan get fucking snapped in half by their old teams.  But you know, that's just me.

Round 1

St George Dragons vs Brisbane Broncos

I don’t think the Broncs are going to bother too many teams this year, to be honest.  Anthony Milford and Kodi Nikorima haven’t got a long kicking game, are both a bit suspect in defence, make terrible decisions, are prone to panicking and have poor ball security.  They also don’t tip the pizza guy, disappear when it’s their shout at the bar and always have their phones on speaker. 

Newcastle Knights vs Manly Sea Eagles

I had a dream a few nights ago that Manly beat the Storm in the grand final, which was a bit shocking to everyone.  I like the fact that Newy have got themselves a brand-spanking shiny new team with established rep players, former rep players, disgraced rep players and last-chance rep players, as well as an injection of injury-prone young prodigies and a handful of blokes who are just happy to have a job.  While I think they’ll do way better this year than they have for the past few, I also think they’ll fall just short in this game.

North Queensland Cowboys vs Cronulla Sharks

Cronulla can basically swap between Holmes, Dugan and Moylan at fullback  throughout a game depending on whether they need defence, kick returns, ball playing, open field running or dropped balls.  They could rotate them around like a volleyball team.  I think with so many egos at the one club, the Sharkies will take a bit of time to find their flippers, so I’m tipping a narrow Cowboys win for this one.

Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters

Yeah, I don’t see a lot going right for the Tigers again this year.  Sorry everyone who goes for the Tigers (both of you).  It will be interesting to see how Cronk settles into his new team after flying the coop last year, and that’s about as much as anyone will get out of this game.

Souff Sydney Rabbitohs vs New Zealand Warriors

It’s probably a bit early in the season to call this one the Spoonbowl, but I think these two teams will end up battling it out for bottom of the ladder in 2018.  Early reports are that Farah won’t be playing for Souths (only two years too late), and that will probably be the deciding factor in a game that will be best remembered as “the game where Greg Inglis came back from injury and injured himself again.”

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Melbourne Storm

If you were ever wondering if the Storm were favoured by the NRL at all, you can put those thoughts aside as their captain continues his unofficial role as the referee boss, and they get to ease their new playmaker into the season with a game against one of the most inept attacking teams in recent history. 

Penrith Panthers vs Parramatta Eels

These two teams are matched up remarkably well on paper – both have some great young players coming through, both have lost and gained a few players since last year, both have got a couple of players who are hanging on just that one season too long, both are carrying players with injuries (it’s round fucking one, how did you injure yourself on the couch since last year?), both have players who I really hate.  Flip a coin for this one.  Mine said heads.

Gold Coast Titans vs Mighty Canberra Raiders

WOOOOOO CANBERRA please please please please win you useless fucks.  Canberra have kept essentially the same team that disappointed us all last year, so it will be interesting to see if another off-season together has had any impact.  Probably not though.  Luckily it’s only the Titans to worry about this week.

I don't know whose idea it was to use a cow print for a jersey design, but it probably wasn't George Rose.