Home and Away is back for another
season! HOOFUCKINGRAY. For those who weren’t really paying attention
last year but would like to begin following the trials and tribulations of the
good people of Summer Bay, here’s your “What the Fuck Happened” for Home and
Away 2016.
To kick off the year, the
proverbial broom was put through Summer Bay, and if you happened to have skipped
the entire year, then you missed a whole smorgasbord of glory. An explosion at the Caravan Park claimed the
lives of Oscar the Loser and Hannah the Occasionally Attractive And
Occasionally Paraplegic Nurse. It also resulted
in the loss of Hot Or Not Maddie’s arm, putting an abrupt end to her violinning
career. The blame for the fire was
shared between Bad Boy Andy and Tank the Semi-Recurring Character after a fight
knocked over a large wall of gas cylinders that waited until there were a lot
of people around before they ignited.
Bad Boy Andy’s brother, Bad Boy
Josh, was left literally blind after being tonked in the back of the head by
Tank the Semi-Recurring Character – possibly during the fourth time that Josh
and Blandy McBlandface Evie had broken up.
Then his sight came back just long enough for him to murder a woman and
run away, causing the fifth (and currently final) time for him and Blandy to
break up. Good bloke.
Hot Or Not decided to carpe diem
with her remaining arm and wanted to explore the world with her boyfriend
Skater Matt the Skateboarding Guy, then left him at home without telling him. I reckon Skater Matt dodged a bullet there
anyway, as ever since losing her arm, Hot Or Not Maddie developed a weird
growth in the shape of an arm across her body.
John Fucking Palmer and Fuck Off
Marilyn somehow adopted their adopted son’s girlfriend after they had broken
up. She then ran off to the city with
Semi-Recurring Tank after pashing him one day.
As you do. And, because they are
responsible and caring adults with their adoptive daughter’s best interests at
heart, Fucking John and Marilyn let her go and didn’t even bother trying to
call her. What a couple of fuckbags.
Billie the Immortal (Kiwi Josh’s
sister) has had a cracker of a year, hooking up with Ugly VJ the Forty-Eight
Year Old High Schooler in a relationship that possesses the passion that a
toaster holds for a goldfish. Immortal
is also carrying the illegitimate child of Eyebag Irene’s estranged son, who
assaulted her in the gym one night. As anyone
would, Immortal then bedded Ugly VJ and told him that the baby was his. Ugly did the proper thing and dropped out of
school to get a job at the smoothie bar so he could afford to support his
child. Then he bought an engagement
ring. Then they planned a wedding which
she called off, then they went to the registry office which they both called
off. I just don’t think that things are
really looking up for these two crazy kids in love passive acceptance of
each other. Since falling pregnant,
Billie the Immortal has been in a car accident, a plane crash, has been
kidnapped, stabbed and burnt, and is now about to give birth in the middle of a
bushfire.
There are also some new peeps
hanging about the Bait Shop. As happens
every so often, Summer Bay feels the need to spice up their sleepy town a bit
by introducing some new characters to take the place of our former beloved
Braxton surfer nazi gang of criminals and thugs that Australians can really
relate to. Enter the Morgans.
The Morgans are your typical Home
and Away assortment of reasonably attractive over-achieving hearts-of-gold
people with a shady past. There’s Dr
Tessa, a doctor, Asian Justin, a jack-of-all trades with a penchant for
mechanic work and is a hopeless romantic oh yeah and he’s Asian, Finally Gay
Brody, a chef who I thought would finally break the shackles and be gay but
isn’t (yet) and Doctor-in-Training Mason, just your usual kid going through med
school oh yeah and he’s Tongan or something.
The big secret with the Morgans is a typical family thing – other than
the fact that they are all of mysteriously varied heritage, their parents were
caught up in a drug syndicate, which they reported to a group of corrupt police
who then murdered them which forced the kids into Witness Protection under new
identities to be raised by their undercover uncle. You know, pretty standard stuff. Due to their fairly difficult upbringing, the
Morgans had to give up a few parts of their life – things like relationships and
careers. As such, Dr Tessa is a surgeon
who runs the emergency departnment, Mason is in his final year of med school,
Brody is a hatted chef and Justin has a child with a former girlfriend who
tells everyone they meet that they are in Witness Protection, then wonders how
“the syndicate” keep managing to track them down.
The last time we saw our Home and
Away Heroes, Phairly Hot Phoebe and Blandy McBlandface had organised the
world’s coolest day-time music festival that attracted at least eight extras
and Jessica Mauboy out of Yabbie Creek.
This is actually quite an achievement, as they hadn’t actually organised
any music for it until the morning of the actual festival. Luckily, the Diner donated a tray of
sandwiches and there was a smoothie vendor on hand to keep the punters
refreshed until well into the afternoon.
Unfortunately, John Fucking
Palmer succumbed to the scourge of Summer Bay, mental illness, and has become a
pyromaniac. This follows Spencer’s bout
of bipolar disorder and Alf’s post-traumatic-stress-disorder that were cured
via a counselling session and lazy writers.
So there we have it – you are now
more or less up to speed with the goings on of our favourite TV fuckwits (give
or take a marriage, divorce, rekindling and new relationship… Dr Nate, I’m
looking at you, you sexy piece of arse).
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| Spoiler: This guy doesn't do this show any more. |
