NRL 2016 – The Grand Final edition

You know that feeling that you get when you wake up in the middle of the night, covered in a cold sweat following a nightmare, a horrible nightmare that involves the fucking Cronulla Sharks versus the Melbourne Fucking Storm in the fucking Grand Final and you still aren’t sure if Cronk got that ball down, and then you fall asleep again and you dream that you’re Edrick Lee and your hands have been replaced by paddles? 

Yeah, I’ve had that feeling for a week now.

So here we are, with the Sharks v the Storm in the big one.  The Sharks completely overwhelmed the Cowboys last week, giving the North Queenslanders a pantsing that will probably take them a while to recover from.  Many people claimed that the Cowboys were still recovering from their frantic extra-time win from the week before, but those people are dribbling fuckwits.  If a team of professional athletes with access to the best trainers and conditioners in the country are still tired from doing a 90-minute workout instead of an 80-minute one seven days previous, they should be kicked out of the NRL and shot into space.  To their credit, the Sharks did play pretty well, and kept the Cowbs on the back foot, backed by a huge amount of possession that they haven’t had since Stephen Dank was working for them. 

Melbourne, on the other hand, limped home against a Raiders side that will still be kicking themselves (and Edrick Lee) for fucking up too many opportunities, although the turning point was the sin-binning of perennial numbnut Jack Wighton, who managed to stop a runaway Marika Koroibete (which was good), and then held onto him for as long as it normally takes him to tie his shoelaces (which is about eight minutes on a good day).  I don’t have a problem with the decision to sit the muffin down for ten minutes, but it probably would have been a better result if, you know, he didn’t get sent off.  He probably could have just let the guy score and stayed on the field.  It might have been better for the team. 

Just sayin’.  Poor old Simple Jack.  One day, life will make sense to you.

Get used to this sight - Edrick Lee on the bench

So what about this week?

SHARKIES VS STORMIES

Last week, the Storm wingers made a total of two runs which were not harmless hit-ups, dummy-half runs or kick returns. The Raiders wingers made sixteen. That pretty much sums up the difference in style, but at the end of the day the Storm won and that’s what matters. People may not like how they play the game (everybody), but the Storm play it better than anyone.

Cronulla are playing the more attractive and more effective style of league right now, which pains to me say.  Like really, I have a weird pain in my left nut just thinking about them winning a premiership.  I don’t like Gallen, I don’t like Maloney, I don’t like Mick Ennis and I can’t fucking stand the Cronulla fans.  Do you get a Southern Cross neck tattoo, pair of Von Zipper sunglasses and a bumbag with every ticket to Shark Park these days? 

The best case scenario is that the Storm win and then get stripped of their premiership (again) following another salary cap investigation.

Grand final drinking game

Drink every time Gus Gould whinges about a refereeing decision and goes on about it for the next ten minutes.  

Drink when Gus Gould complains about the referee’s use of the bunker.

Drink when Paul Gallen takes a harmless hit up on the fourth tackle.  Have another if it’s within 20 metres of the try line.

Have a drink whenever there’s some fucking loose unit in the crowd doing a shoey. 

Drink whenever Jarryd Hayne is mentioned.

Drink whenever Melbourne are described as “clinical”

Drink every time a player feigns injury to slow the game down for the opposition.

Drink when Gus Gould describes a player as being “out on his feet.”  Have a double if it’s the whole team.

Drink for every forearm to the face that you see.  Good luck on Monday.

NRL 2016 - Finals week 3

The NRL finals race ticks down to just four teams, and since one of those teams is Cronulla, it might as well be down to three.  And Melbourne will be investigated for salary cap cheating (again), so it’s down to two.  And since one of those is from Queensland… congratulations Canberra!  I never doubted you for a moment.

Some interesting developments off-field and in the pubs and signing contracts and getting overpaid and stuff this week – Greg Bird got in trouble at a pub in Tweed (or somewhere), but has acquitted himself by saying, “There’s no footage of me punching anyone” which is basically the NRL-adult way of saying “nuh uh” and also rates on the equivalent scale of Ted Bundy saying, “Yes I murdered and ate my victims, but I didn’t rape them this time.”  Greg Bird, I’d love to say that we love your rascally ways, but really we just wish you’d fuck off.  Also, there’s a bird that swoops me twice a day as I walk between my car and the office, so that bird can fuck right off too.  Fuck all the birds.

Speaking of people who can fuck off, Todd Carney is considering a deal to come back to the NRL to play for St George.  And so, the natural circle of life looks to complete itself, whereby all former Canberra Raiders players eventually sign with St George.  For those not paying attention, Todd Carney was released by the Sharks a few years back over a string of off-field issues, which were topped off nicely by pictures of him pissing into his own mouth being circulated.  Then he sued Cronulla for $3 million, claiming that he did it “because one day if it happens to a player again, the club might think back to what’s happened to me.  It might help another player.”  

I’m just not sure if a player photographing themselves drinking their own urine will happen again, to be honest, but I’m sure that if they do, they will be happy to know that Todd has $3 million to share around with his fellow pissheads.

  

Cronulla vs Cowboys

Cronulla announced during the week that they have re-signed inspirational captain Paul Gallen for another year, which confirms the fact that the Sharks aren’t going to send the skipper out with a win this year.  Or next year, for that matter. 

Last week’s Broncos vs Cowboys clash proved just how good extra time is over bonus point.  It’s even better when the Broncos lose during it, too.  No doubt the game has taken a fair fucking toll on the ol’ Cowboys team, who haven’t had to play that well to beat anyone since they took on the Hunter Mariners in 1997. 

This could honestly go either way.  Call me old fashioned, but I like my NRL the same way I like my scotch.  With Cronulla not winning.

Storms vs Canberra Viking Clap WOO

During the week, Raiders coach Sticky Ricky Stuart said that he has had enough with the Melbourne bashing, claiming that he’s sick of talking about their wrestling tactics to slow the game down, and that if they want to cheat by using wrestling tactics to slow the game down, then that’s their prerogative and they should be ashamed of themselves and it will be even more glorious when Canberra fuck them over again.

Canberra have proven this year that they step up to play the full 80-minutes when it counts, such as the recent thrashings of the Storm and the Sharks, as well as the last-minute come-from-behind edge-of-your-seat demolition of the wooden spooned Newcastle Knights.  They will need to come out with their shit-kickers shined and ready to kick some shit this weekend.  Rattling the Storm early will be key – not allowing Cronk and Smith to get into their rhythm will go a long way to winning this one.  And I can’t think of a better way to ruin Cooper’s 300th game for the Storm by pissing on his parade. 

 

This photo makes me want to rend movies, drink milk and anyhow... have a Winfield

NRL 2016 Finals - Week 2

It’s funny what happens to rugby league when there are only two games on per weekend – the players get a lot more free time to go out and get fucked up on drugs with bikers, journalists start looking at some nitty-gritty details about why Michael Ennis is a knob this week, and everyone starts looking forward to the grand final, until you learn that Keith Urban will be performing and you might not watch the game after all.

At some point this year, Canberra’s GIO Stadium managed to fill the stands and promote a ritual that involves a simple drumbeat and the crowd responding with a clap.  It sounds ridiculous, but it sends shivers down the ol’ Evil Breakfast spine every time. 

The Raiders have been accused of ripping the “Viking clap” off a US college gridiron team, who ripped it off the Icelandic soccer team.  I’m not one to take sides, but I might just throw out that clapping is not a new thing, and even the Icelanders may have had some inspiration from Creb’s nomadic clan of cavemen, even though Brun’s cave reckon they were clapping way before them.

All teams know that the Viking clap to the Raiders is like cocaine to the Titans or Peptides to the Sharks.  It’s the TPPs to the Parramatta Eels.  Without the clap, the Green Machine doesn’t function. 

The Sharks tried to take the piss out of it last week, and the Panthers are threatening to stick their filthy mugs into it this week.  I think that instead of trying to hijack a cheer, they should just do one themselves, like… I dunno, something panther-y, maybe licking their own bumhole or hissing at each other and giving some “air claws.”  Yeah, that works pretty well.

The Cowboys could pull out their finger pistols and fire off a few caps, the Storm could all clap together, pause for a sec and then go “krrrssshprrrr” at the same time.  The Broncos fans could kick each other in the face, and the Sharks fans could do what sharks do in the wild and on the field – beach themselves and choke.

JarrydHayne was caught on some fuckwit’s Snapchat overusing clichéd American catchphrases, throwing money around like a pimp in a strip bar and liaising with known drug trafficking bikie gang members.  I had my suspicions about Jarryd’s return to the NRL, and I’m afraid that I’m right – he’s becoming the next Anthony Mundine, baby.  Good luck with the Hells Hayngels, Jarryd.  I’ll always remember you as the guy that no one liked until we did and then we didn’t again.  

But the biggest thing to try and destroy the NRL this week was the confirmation that the league is conspiring to appeal to the Cowboys fans by booking Keith Motherfucking Urban as “entertainment” for the grand final.  Here’s hoping that it’s all just a big ol’ ruse, and they’ll float Mr Kidman out onto the ground on a giant hovercraft, then have it break down and they take him back inside again.  Keith Urban.  Seriously.

Cowboys vs Broncos

Look, the Broncos are still shit.  This won’t even be fair for them to play against the KFC-Keith Urban Trophy winners.  The only bright side of this game for our special friends from Brisbane is that Winterstein is out for the Cowbs, and a young up-and-comer is set to make his debut.  In the Preliminary Finals.  Welcome to the NRL, Kalyn Ponga.  Here’s hoping that you’re better at football than your parents were of picking children’s names.  According to sources, Ponga posseses the balance of Steve Renouf, the speed of James Roberts, the elusiveness of Shaun Johnson, the finishing of a Semi Radradra, the vision of Wally Lewis, the strength of Jason Taumololo, the cheating ability of Cameron Smith and the playmaking of Jonathan Thurston.  It only makes sense that this demi-god should be plonked on the wing.

In the Brisbane camp this week, James Roberts was suspended for kicking an opposition player last week.  I think Tom Opacicic will be the obvious replacement, but I can’t tell because I don’t know how to spell (or pronounce) his name.  In any case, Brisbane have had to find someone else to pay $700,000 per year not to pass the ball to.

The last three matches between these teams have been separated by a single point.  That won’t happen again tonight.  Cowbs by a thousand.

Raiders vs Penrith

Injuries sure are trying to royally fuck up the Raiders’ push towards the grand final, with Blake Austin having to regrow another hand, and Josh Hodgson’s leg falling off during last week’s loss to some fucking cheating pricks.  Both have been named in the team for this week’s do-or-die game against the Pennies.  To the untrained person, it would appear that having one leg would be an impediment to an athlete – not so.  Having one less ankle means Hodgson is lighter, and will run faster.  Likewise, having a busted hand means the swelling will increase the surface area of Austin's hand, making it practically impossible for him to drop the ball. 

As for Penrith… actually I have no idea.  I’m assuming that they’re doing alright though.  Good win last week.  That Josh Mansour does something unnatural to me.  

NRL 2016 - Finals Week 1: Shouldering the Responsibility

Whittled down to just eight teams now, the NRL champions are so close to being revealed that you can smell the lime-green milk on their breath.  But before we can officially announce the premiers, we still have a few more rounds of dickheadedness and shenanigans to put up with.  This week’s shenanigans relates to: what exactly constitutes a shoulder charge.

Last weekend, the NRL had two pretty clear-cut examples of how to pull off a decent shoulder charge; one by Michael Ennis and the other from Jack Wighton.  To everyone and their dog’s mum, they both looked suspiciously like shoulder charges, in that the use of the shoulder was prevalent and any intention of making a tackle was left on the team bus.  Ennis was not charged by the NRL match referees, whereas Wighton was looking at a four-week ban.  I’m not saying that Ennis or the Cronulla Sharks are corrupt in any way, but I’m pretty sure that Ennis was required to suck at least 37 dicks in a row to escape any form of punishment for that hit, especially when this tackle cost future Nobel Peace Prize winner Charlie Gubb seven games.  

In the end, the lack of NRL spine shone through and Wighton was let off all charges as they fucked around with trying to specify what a shoulder charge was; literally, figuratively and spiritually.  To be honest, Wighton and Ennis both should have sat out for a week or so, as they were textbook examples of how to hit a bloke in the head with your shoulder.   

As a Raiders fan, the biggest letdown for me was the fact that Jack Wighton did this in the last seven minutes of a game that his team was winning by 30 points, making this one of the stupidest things that he possibly could have done.  I’m not saying that he is an idiot, or that he does stupid things a lot, but if Jack Wighton could read or write, his daily planner would look like this:

7:00am – wake up

7:05am – watch Spongebob
7:28am – do something stupid
7:30am – eat Coco Pops
7:40am – put out fire
7:58am – go to footy

On one hand, the NRL are handing out harsh penalties for shoulder charges, but on the other, they’re doling out hand jobs for the same crime.  I guess this is the first time that a jackoff got off and then helped to get jack off too. 

  

This sign is so fucking annoying.  It has an apostrophe on a word that shouldn't have it, and no apostrophe on a word that should.    

Broncos vs Titans

NOTHING stops the Hayne Plane… except competent opposition and completely failing to live up to his inflated reputation.  Jarryd’s next dream should be about becoming a decent rugby league player.  The Hayne Plane should be sponsored by Malaysian Airlines; if he doesn’t go missing, he gets shot down.  What, too soon? 

Raiders vs Sharks

To the victors go the spoils, as the old saying goes… and since the Raiders mascot is named Victor, I am pretty sure that this result is a foregone conclusion.  That, and the fact that the Sharks are shit useless. 

Melbourne vs Cowboys

During the week, five Cowboys players were charged with… fuck, I don’t know… vandalism, maybe?... following a late-night egg-throwing exhibition, in which several cars were damaged.  I am notmaking this up.  To combat this strategy, the Storm players have been practicing short-sheeting each other’s beds, and Cameron Smith admits that he has balanced several buckets of water above doorways.  Cooper Cronk has been linked to a large amount of toilet paper being thrown over his neighbour’s house. 

Panthers vs Doggies

Canterbury’s Will Hopoate will not be playing in Sunday’s game due to religious reasons.  In solidarity, the rest of the Bulldogs won’t be playing after Sunday either.  I reckon the Panthers are the dark horses cats in this finals series, just quietly.  

NRL 2016 - Round 26: Tick tick tick tick BOOM

Holy shit it’s the final round of the regular season WHEEEEEE and we’re getting a chance to give a farewell to about a thousand players, as Ben Creagh from the Dragons looks set to hang up his boots and Jack Reed from the Broncos looks like he’ll be making a swift exit (which would be the only swift thing Jack has done all year, amirite Broncos fans?), as he succumbs to injury and sunburn.  In WTF news, Benji Marshall could be thrown a lifeline by the Melbourne Storm if no one else wants him – and they don’t.  It just proves how fucking arrogant the Storm are, that they think they can pick up Marshall and still be competitive.  What a bunch of rubbish pricks. 

In other news that makes you wonder if the club CEOs are on more drugs than the players, Robbie Farah has been linked to joining South Sydney next year, which is a move that confirms the fact that Souths were so happy to win their first premiership in 43 years in 2014 that they couldn’t be fucked bothering to try and win another one for another 43. 

Forgetting about sad things like Robbie Farah playing again, we’ve got a barnstormer of a round coming up, with each team given one final chance to break someone’s face, get suspended, end their career or possibly even put in some effort for a decent game to finish their season on a high note.

My favourite game to decide who comes last has unfortunately already been decided, and it’s Newcastle who will take the wooden spoon this year.  But take heart, Novacastrians – just two years ago, the Raiders and the Sharks were playing each other in this corresponding round to determine who would come dead fucking last in the competition.  This year, they might face each other in the grand fucking final.  Funny game, this rugby league.  Except for Newcastle, who will probably keep sucking for a while longer. 

Charlie Gubb is my spirit animal.  Click for the greatest interview in rugby league history

Broncos vs Roosters

OH THANK GOD I GET TO SEE THE ROOSTERS PLAY AGAIN THIS YEAR.  What a wonderful surprise to see these two champion teams who are largely ignored by free-to-air television playing together on a Thursday night.  What a bunch of bullshit.  The only thing this game is doing is stopping the Roosters from getting arrested one day earlier than they normally would have.  Can you imagine Blake Ferguson and Mitchell Pearce together on Mad Monday?  I feel a bit dirty just thinking about it.

Canterbury vs South Sydney

Five Doggies players farewelling their home crowd for this game.  Here’s hoping that they go out as losers, because I really, really, really hate Canterbury.  Souths haven’t been much chop this year either, but fuck it, you have to go for someone.

St George vs Newcastle

In a controversial and possibly stupid move, I’m tipping the Knights to get up in this game and run over the top of St George.  It would be a fitting end to the season, because the Knights have tried hard in every game they’ve played this year, despite having just one win and a thousand tries scored against them; while on the other hand the Dragons are balls useless and I hate them too.

North Queensland vs Titans

No one cares.  NEXT. 

Melbourne vs Cronulla

The battle for the MINOR PREMIERSHIP all comes down to THIS GAME.  Pity it’s not on free-to-air so people can watch it.  But since it’s Melbourne and Cronulla, no one would watch it anyway.    

Tigers vs Raiders

WOOOOO RAIDERS YOU ARE THE BEST AROUND NOTHING’S EVER GONNA KEEP THEM DOWN BANG BANG BANG GREEN MACHINE FEARSOME GREEN MORE THE ABC TINA TURNER SIMPLY THE BEST BETTER THAN BALMAIN AND WESTS.

Warriors vs Eels

Fuck you, Warriors.  Honestly, I should put you in the same shitfuck category as St George, but I can’t do that to any team with Shaun Johnson in it.  I'm not usually into guys, but he could literally sit there fully clothed eating his lunch and I'd fuck him through a hole in his pants while he ignores me just for the story.

Uh.  Go Eels.

Panthers vs Manly

After a disappointing year, Manly coach Trent Barrett had this pearler to say last week:  "We've got second rowers in the centres and centres on the wing.  And Nate."

According to the man in charge, Manly’s problems this year can be boiled down to the ridiculous amount of injuries they’ve had, compounded by a lack of experience and depth, which has forced some players into lining up in unfamiliar positions against formidable oppositions.  And having Nate Myles on the team.