Joke of the Day

I bought my brother an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks."

I said, "Don't mention it."

Instruction of the Day

Here is how you whittle a wooden horse:

Step 1: get a block of wood.

Step 2: remove any wood that doesn't resemble a horse.



Congratulations, you now have a wooden horse.

NRL 2016 - Round 12: WTF, Parramatta?

The fire sale at the Parramatta Eels continues as their in-form five-eighth Corey Norman has been charged with drug possession following a casual dinner with some bikies and a late-night trip to the Casino.  Norman was quoted as saying, “Yeah nah, nothing suss here” while he cleaned invisible stains off a table in the bar for three hours.  This has prompted the Parramatta club to start offloading players like Oprah hands out washing machines, presumably to try and keep off-field balls-ups like this out of the papers.  The latest washing machine is Junior “Marco” Paulo, who looks like he’s going to head to the nation’s capital about six months earlier than expected.   While this means that Paulo will be subjected to winter a bit sooner, it does mean he won’t miss Floriade this year.  PHEW.

The Warriors have also had a bit of an End-of-Financial-Year Sale and the Titans have snapped up a bargain in Konrad Hurrell, with more announcements expected to come, including Vatuvei, Matulino, Mannering and Lilyman, all of whom may or may not have been involved in mixing Red Bull and Stillnox in a night out a few weeks ago.  And if there’s one place that abusers of prescription drugs should be, it’s the Australian Swimming Team Gold Coast.   

In happier news (for Queensland supporters), the State of Origin sides were announced during the week, and it was enough to raise a couple of eyebrows from me (just one eyebrow raise from Tim Mannah though, for obvious reasons); Robbie Farah’s beer-flavoured-nipples came to his aid once again, as he was picked over Michael Ennis for the hooking role; and Greg Bird’s threat to glass any fucking prick that didn’t fucking select him hey also paid off.  The Blues halves debate can finally be put to rest as Adam Reynolds has been given the chance to kill Mitchell Pearce’s representative career (please please please) if he can put together a solid performance alongside James Maloney.  The decision to bring in Manly centre Dylan Walker as a “utility player” is an absolute fucking mystery though, but gives us a rare opportunity to witness the phenomenon known as “'Not Playing Well In One Position That Leads To Being Shifted To Another Position In The Middle Of A Game In A Losing Team Which Apparently Demonstrates Enough Versatility To Be Selected To Represent New South Wales”, or NPWIOPTLTBSTAPITMOAGIALTWADEVTOBTRNSW for short.  It’s a pretty unique phenomenon. 

The idea of choosing a utility player can be effective... but not if, you know, you accidentally opt for (a) for a player who is NOT a utility player, and (b) is not a very good player in any position.  It’s kind of like when the Australian cricket team kept picking Shane Watson because England had Freddie Flintoff.  It took us a decade to get rid of that useless fuck.

In strange selections for Queensland, Nate Myles and Aiden Guerra are along for the ride to prove just how confident QLD are of winning this game if they can do it with these complete dickfingered players in the team.  Is the Maroons’ confidence justified?  If Josh Dugan and Blake "Hands-tastic" Ferguson McFingers are defending on the same side for the Blues, you’d have to say “yes”.  And you’d also need an umbrella to protect yourself from Corey Oates and Greg Inglis, who are jizzing uncontrollably about coming up against these two fuckwits. 

I don’t see Queensland’s stronghold on Origin loosening this year (or next).  Here’s cheers to our two-headed XXXX-drinking overlords.

Round 12

Broncos vs Tigers

As there are a lot of players out for rep duties, it’s always tricky to try to pick winners during Origin… except for this game, as the Broncos have still managed to put together a pretty decent side to take on a struggling Tigers outfit.  Still, the Tiges are paying over $4 for a win; if you have any loose change and don’t have a pocket, you could do worse than to punt it on them.

Dargons vs Cows

No Morgan, no JT, no Scott, no Tamou, no O'Neil.  That's four key players and Justin O'Neil missing for NQ.  They’ll still win in what I reckon will be a pretty low-scoring, low-quality, fairly shithouse game.  Yeah, I’m pumped.

Mighty Fucking Champion Motherfucking Raiders vs Dogs

Woop woop, all aboard the Raiders victory train woooooooo #1InARow.  Green Machine for the win.  Raiders rule, Doggies drool.  Et cetera, et cetera. 

Knights vs Eels

Parra get stripped of their points, were forced to drop some of their best players and now have the rest of their team away to “help police with their enquiries” following drug possession and involvement with bikie gangs.  The Newcastle players, on the other hand, are just plain shit at football, and are really struggling with injuries, defensive lapses, puberty and Jaelen Feeney has an essay due on Monday that he hasn’t even started yet.  The Eels should keep their premiership hallucinations dreams alive with a win here.

Reminds me of when I play sports games on Playstation and completely forget which player I'm controlling

Picture courtesy of Sportsbet

Helpful Tip of the Day

If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself sleeping on the streets, try and find an Apple store to bunk down in front of. This way the police will think you're just waiting for the next iPhone to be released.

Movie review of the Day

Magic Mike XXL

This movie is absolute nonsense on stilts.  A bunch of male strippers do a road-trip to the Mecca of male strippers – which is actually not the worst idea in the world for a movie about male strippers – but they ruin it with awkward dialogue, too much spiritual wank, and what I think is meant to be a sub-text of feminism, but boils down to the fact that every problem can be solved by getting a lap-dance.  My favourite part was when Childish Gambino (Donald Glover) advertises his new album to the strippers while he drives them to their hotel from the brothel where he works sings.  In a movie franchise about male strippers, there’s a distinct lack of stripping, and as a result, the final act plays out like a bad X-Factor audition.    

One-liner of the day

I saw the Human Torch the other day. I asked him for an autograph, but he just kept rolling around screaming on the floor of the petrol station.

SPOOKY story of the day

clomp clomp clomp came the sound of Martin's upstairs neighbours clomp clomp clommmmp. "Well I've had enough of this," thought Martin, as he remembered every day for the last two years the constant clomp clomp clomp through his roof during Family Feud, so he went upstairs to his neighbours' door to tell them off but when he got to their door, no one answered the door when he knocked on the door and when he tried the door handle it opened and the house was empty just like it had always been for two years or maybe more.  

One liner of the day

My friend was about to get attacked by a duck. I tried to warn him, but it only made it worse.

NRL 2016 - Round 11: Cha$ing Your Dream$

Another week of off-field drama in the NRL has made sure that all assault charges and drink-driving allegations have been kept quiet, and Parramatta are – more or less – at the front and centre of another media storm:  Jarryd Haynegate.

In case you’ve been living in North Queensland for the last few years, ex-NRL superstar Jarryd Hayne left his beloved Parramatta Eels to follow his dream to play American Football in the NFL, stating, “The NFL has been something I have admired since I was a little boy, and it is an opportunity I feel very similar to me joining the NRL.”

After running less than a half-back in a rugby union match and dropping the ball so much that people began calling him “the other Burgess”, Hayne has denounced his NFL 49ers contract to represent Fiji in the upcoming Olympics, stating, “I am retiring from the NFL because the Fiji Rugby Sevens team reached out to me about the opportunity to join the team for the upcoming Olympics, and I simply could not pass that chance up.  The Olympics has been something I have admired since I was a little boy, and it is an opportunity I feel very similar to me joining the NFL.”

Hayne’s future post-Rio is uncertain, with many believing that he will try another code in rugby union, Hayne stating that “joining the Super Rugby competition is something I have admired since I was a little boy, and it is an opportunity I feel very similar to me joining the Fijian Olympic team.”  Others believe that he will return to the NRL as a free agent, as Hayne has stated that “rejoining the NRL is something I have admired since I was a little boy, and it is an opportunity I feel very similar to me joining the NRL previously.”

Rumours that Hayne will be follow the money trail to play for the Roosters upon his expected return to the NRL have been quashed several times over by Hayne, his management and the Roosters board, which is about as solid an endorsement that we can get.  Chooks coach Trent Robinson might as well start sourcing “HAYNE1” licence plates for a new tri-colour Range Rover in the coming weeks.

The 49ers, meanwhile, will struggle on through their pre-season and persist with the three running backs that they have left:  Carlos Hyde, DuJuan Harris and Shaun Draughn.  I think Jarryd just felt a bit name-conscious and had to leave the country; sure, he invented the Hayne Plane, but how could anyone compete with the Shaun Draughn?

Canberra Raiders:  what (the fuck) happened last week

Besides throwing the winning intercept pass, knocking on basically every time he touched it and missing a billion tackles, Jack Wighton is a pretty great player and had a terrific game.  Whenever you can overshadow Benji Marshall as having a shit game, that’s a pretty special achievement.

In a match where there were highlights, low-lights and no lights, Wighton had a night off and the Raiders are a write-off.  Following these dickheads is almost enough to make me want to watch tennis as a main sport.  The Dragons now find themselves seventh on the ladder.  How the fuck there are 9 worse teams than them is a scientific mystery.

Round 11

Souths vs St George

Souths finally decided to turn up last week against a team that didn’t have anything to play for, and due to the upcoming Origin series, look like they’re taking their match payments more seriously now.  St George can just go fuck off, because I’m still angry at them for winning.

Cowboys vs Broncos

The Broncs snuck home by a field goal the last time these teams met, whereas the Cows got through in extra time in the game before that, so we’re looking at a fucking gangbuster of a match if history is anything to go by.  I’m tipping the Broncs to win, and also for Adam Blair to be cited at least twice for trying to kill Jonathan Thurston.

Tigers vs Newcastle

If both of these teams played themselves last week, they would lose 98-4.  That's all I have to say.

Warriors vs Fucking Raiders

If there could possibly be a better match up than the two most inconsistent teams in the entire competition universe than these two, it would probably cause some kind of disruption in the time/space continuum and we’d all get sucked out to Jubilee Stadium for eternity.  Raiders get my tip, but that’s because I’m a fucking idiot.

Cronulla vs Manly

The Sharks get my patented Completely Totally Safe Tip of the Week award.  Manly get my traditional Because Fuck Manly, That’s Why award for the millionth week running.

Penrith vs Gold Coast

Is it just me, or are the Gold Coast not quite as shit as people think?  I’m giving them one more chance to put in a really terrible performance before I get on the bandwagon and ride Will Zillman all the way to the premiership.  Not like that though, you sick fucks.  The guy is injured.  I wouldn’t do that.

Roosters vs Bulldogs

“Just wait until Warea-Hargreaves, Pearce and Cordner get back!” the Roosters’ faithful cried.  And when they came back, they got smashed by the Titans.  What a sad parade. 

Parramatta vs Melbourne

Holy fuck, it’s cheat against cheat in this Salarybowl battle of the cheats.  My tip is on Melbourne, who are not only more practiced in the art of cheating, but also because their season hasn’t been ended because of it.  

Rugby league is a beautiful sport

Thought of the day

People often ask me why I don't like spiders.  There are a few reasons, to be honest.  One is because they spin webs across my driveway and I walk through them every morning.  Another reason is when they wait until you fall asleep, then they burrow into your skin and devour your insides and wear your skin around town like a dressing-gown, and then it goes to bars and maxes out your credit cards, calls your ex-girlfriends, crashes your car and vomits all over your stuff, but by this point it's not even your stuff any more, and now whatever was left of you has been regurgitated over what used to be your entire life.

Horrible things, spiders.

Picture of the day

This is the current leader in the "World's Straightest Banana" competition, which is arguably the greatest banana-themed competition in the world.

Tip of the day

You can avoid the hassle of brushing your teeth by adding toothpaste to your meals.

Thought of the day

When I started learning how to speak French in school, I never anticipated how interested people in France would be to hear about my family.

NRL 2016 - Round 10: The week in league

Well, after the excitement of the Representative Round, we’re back into the Nitty McFucking Gritty of the NRL, and we can ignore minor setbacks like having to play for your country and concentrate on what really counts:  being picked to play for your state.  With about three weeks to go before State of Origin commences, it’s an exciting time in the NRL as players who have been coasting start to turn up (oh hi Greg Inglis how are you doing today i see you’ve come to play football well isn’t that nice where the fuck have you been for the last 11 weeks?), it’s the moment where an injured hamstring swings the momentum of the season OR YOUR LIFE, and it’s the part of the year where we once again ask:  Where are all the good NSW halfbacks?

The Parramatta salary cap saga, or as the Australian media has dubbed it, “Parramatta-salary-cap-saga-gate”, seems to have run its course fairly naturally and everyone is happy again.  The Eels are now a couple of players lighter and five officials better off, the NRL has been seen to be kind-of-harsh-but-still-a-bit-of-a-pushover, and every team has been bumped up one slot as Parra fall to the bottom of the ladder.  The biggest speculation was about the future of promising young hooker Nathan Peats, who has been picked up by the Titans for the next 18 months.  The Gold Coast team now boast a playing roster that includes Nathan Friend, Kierran Moseley, Daniel Mortimer, Matt Srama and now Nathan Peats, proving that the Titans really are blowing all of their money on hookers and cocaine.

In other speculation and hearsay that I won’t spread, a recent report states that Manly gave players inositol during the 2011 season – inositol is a drug that is banned in horse racing.  I don’t see the problem here.  Rugby league is not horse racing.  That’s like saying that Ricky Ponting used a cricket bat during his career as an Australian cricketer, and cricket bats are also banned in horse racing.  As far as I’m concerned, Manly are being unfairly targeted because they’re Manly and no one likes them.  Except for Brett Stewart and Steve Matai; those guys are guilty as fuck.

St George vs Canberra

Well, the Raiders were robbed by another shitty refereeing decision.  But fuck it, you can’t blame the ref all the time; if you can’t win because of one two dodgy calls, you weren’t truly winning anyway.  St George were done over for the first time in ten years by the Warriors, who had the majority of their players missing due to disciplinary reasons.  That’s gotta hurt.  Benji Marshall is back for the Dragons this week, which cements the tip of Raiders by a cool dozen.

Parra vs Souths

I read a report that Souths coach Madge Maguire is contemplating moving Inglis to five-eighth for this game, which is a great move if they really are intent on losing by a thousand points.  Inglis can’t handle the movement of the game from fullback, so having him waste space in the centre of the field as he passes to the person on his immediate left for eighty minutes is just ludicrous.  If there was ever a game for Parramatta to get over their shit week, this is it.  My money is on the Eels, mainly because they cheat, but also because Souths are in a world of hurt this year.

Penrith vs Warriors

After Penrith’s millionth 1-point win of the season, we have to ponder the question:  are they bad at being good, or good at being bad?  These things keep me awake at night.

Melbourne vs North Queensland

Two of the biggest, bestest teams in the comp face off, and it might be the Stillnox and Red Bull cocktail that I just pounded talking, but this one gets my “Who Gives A Fuck?” match of the round.  I’m sure it will be an entertaining game and all… but really… who gives a fuck?  Queenslanders, that’s who.

Manly vs Brisbane

In their last game, the Broncos found it difficult in the first half to face up against the Sharks, complaining of a “giant ball of fire” in the sky.  Once darkness had set though, they became a completely different team, lending weight to the theory that the Broncos are in fact vampires.  This game is scheduled to kick off at 8pm, so with their Twilight powers at hand, should dispose fairly easily of the Sea Eagles. 

Newcastle vs Cronulla

Cronulla proved themselves in their last game that they seriously are motherfucking contenders this year, bitch.  Newcastle, on the other hand, didn’t.  I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that the Sharks should be able to wrap this one up within the first 20 minutes, and then pillow-fight the Knights into submission for the next hour.  It’s going to be scintillating stuff.

Tigers vs Canterbury

Last week, the Tigers proved the age-old theory that half a game with a fullback is better than an entire game without one, as they upset the Bunnies. Canterbury… I can’t really remember what happened to them – probably not much, to be honest – and I’m picking the Dawgs to fire up and win this one by about 30.

Gold Coast vs Roosters

The Roosters beat Newcastle last week and Mitchell Pearce has been touted as NSW’s saviour.  Again.  It was the fucking Knights for fuck’s sake.  And this week they have the fucking Titans.  Oh, here you go Mitchell.  Have a blue jersey with the number 7 on it.  

Jack Bird - the "thinking man's" rugby league player 

Thought of the day

Whenever I use an automatic hand dryer after going to the toilet, I need to hit the button twice.  The first one doesn’t stay on for long enough, but the second one stays on for way too long.  In the end, I’m just holding my dry hands underneath it to be polite.

Joke of the Day

I saw an ad for a radio that said: "For sale - $1 - volume stuck on full."  

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down."

NRL Representative Round - the "ANZAC" test

It’s the ANZAC Test tonight – that’s right, two weeks after ANZAC Day, and two weeks after the ANZAC NRL round.  I like to think that the NRL schedule is decided by a bunch of five Channel 9 executives, as they head to the pub for a counter lunch the Friday before the season begins.  Once they have decided their schnitzel vs parmiagana debate (schnitzel wins), they grab a Keno pencil and, on the back of a betting slip, get cracking on scheduling some games. 

• Friday night is Broncos night.  Check.  Make sure that they always play Souths, the Roosters or Canterbury.
• The Titans and Knights can alternate playing on Saturdays and Mondays because fuck them, that’s why.

It’s at this point that there’s a bit of pencil tapping on the table and a few beads of sweat forming on foreheads.  Another round of drinks is ordered and a couple of punts are placed on the trots.  

“Maybe a themed round or two?” someone suggests.

Fucking brilliant.          

• The Heritage Round and the Rivalry Round, despite half the competition not having any heritage or rivalries. 

“How about a sponsored round?” 

Now you’re talking, and it’s my shout again. 

• Marvel Superhero Round and the Superman round.

“Best not to forget the minorities,” suggests one of the suits, who keeps burping against the back of his hand. 

• Indigenous Round. 
• Women in League Round. 

“Alright boys, this shit is writing itself.  I’m going to take a piss and head out for a dart.  Fill in the blanks at random.”

The rest of the day is spent reliving sporting prowess of years gone by, how they could still pull chicks and who would win in a fight between the Melbourne Storm and the Gold Coast Titans mascots. 

They’re just about to pile into a taxi to head to a strip club when some bright spark yells, “SHIT WE FORGOT ABOUT THE FUCKING ANZAC ROUND.”

By now, the betting slip is soaked in beer, falling apart and hard to read.  “Jus’ stick it in Representative Round,” some bright spark pipes up. 

• And thus, the proud heritage of the ANZAC Test lives on. 

The game itself is shaping up to be a waste of fucking time as well.  Half the New Zealand team are injured, out of form, unavailable or stood down due to drug and alcohol suspensions.  

NRL rule #1: If you’re not Joey Johns or Freddie Fittler, don’t party like you are. 

To compensate for the lack of quality Kiwi players, Australia have picked a team so raw that Pete Evans wouldn’t touch it, and so out of form that Laurie Daley isn’t even considering them for Origin. 

Josh Dugan plays fullback for his shithouse club, but is playing in the centres for Australia.  Greg Inglis plays fullback for his club, but in the centres for his country.  Just quietly, he doesn’t deserve to be running drinks for either.  Cooper Cronk is believing his own hype.  Blake Ferguson is… fucked.

Honestly, I’m like an 18-year old girl about this, like I can’t even. 

Australia by 19, if anyone cares.

Recipe of the day

Ever wanted to knock up some grilled cheese but couldn't be arsed firing up the griller?  Here's four simple steps to an easier snack:

3 Minute Toaster Grilled Cheese recipe

• ·         Put a couple slices of cheese in between 2 pieces of bread
• ·         Put in toaster slot and press down button
• ·         Wait for it to pop up. If stuck, force the button up or use a knife to jiggle it out
• ·         Make some extra for the firemen

Daily One-Liner

I like the word "shoehorn." You can pretty much use it in any sentence.

Thought of the day

Sometimes when you empty out your ice tray, there's a cube or two that get stuck.  Leave them be.  They're God's ice cubes and he needs them for his scotch.

Thought of the day

Pseudo-ephedrine is actually a lot cheaper to buy in meth form.