lacking a punchline

I walked through a door today and there was someone just a few steps behind me, so I thought, "I will be a good bloke and hold the door open for them as well," and so I did and then there was a person a few steps behind them, so I thought, "I'm here now, I might as well keep the door open for them, too," so I did and then there was this group of people that walked through the door so I thought, "I can't drop this door on a group of people (even though it would be funny)," so I held it open for them as well. I'm not saying that it was the worst three hours of my life, but it wasn't how I really wanted to spend my day.

Check the freezer

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money I'd just laugh and search with them.

I learned something today

RAS syndrome (Redundant Acronym Syndrome) refers to initialisms and acronyms where the last letter is also repeated in the description, such as ATM machine, PIN number, and RAS syndrome.

It's Friday!

For a great night out with your friends, you should head to the pub for a drink. Once everyone has satiated their thirst, leave the bar and walk twenty metres down the street, then stop to try to figure out what everyone wants to do next, then walk another twenty metres before stopping to discuss it again, then repeat three to six more times until everyone becomes annoyed and just goes home.

angry pants

You know how when you're eating a sandwich at work, and some dickhead at your office comes up to you and says, "Hey, having lunch?" And you just kind of nod at the guy and acknowledge your sandwich, but really you're trying to think of a way that you can kill him with a ham and cheese on linseed bread without losing the pickle? Yeah. I hate that.

puff

“Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” said the tobacco instruction writer.

back to school

The other day, I saw unsharpened pencils for sale. I thought, “There’s no point in that.”

i've got that "not so fresh" feeling

“I feel a little crook,” said the blind man when he met the midget shepherd.

A rose by many other names

If I have twins, I'm going to name them Charles. If I have one kid, I'm going to name him Charle. Like Charles, but singular.

Ten minutes to quarter past four

“I don’t have time for this,” said the unsuccessful clock maker.

How Can The World Be Real If Your Eyes Aren't Real?

Jaden Smith always looks like he’s trying to read a menu that’s too far away.