on the rocks

There’s always one ice-cube in the tray that doesn’t come out with the others. That’s God’s ice cube. Leave it for His scotch.

morning ritual

There’s nothing as satisfying as having a shower, cupping your hands together to catch the water and then dropping it against the tiled floor. Fuck it, of course there’s more satisfying things to do, but none of them you can do in the shower. Most of them you can do in the shower, actually. Never mind.

doors are hard

I tried to be nice and polite today so I held the door open for someone and allowed them to go through first but the door was one of those ones that opened away from me and I for some reason I used my left arm so I was reaching across the doorway trying to keep the door open as the person I was holding it for had to duck under my arm and try not to awkwardly rub up against my crotch but they still did anyway and it was the best day of my life.

makes sense to me

My mum has a collection of fine china. She doesn’t appreciate it when I call it “the Chinese in the cupboard.” I think she’s racist.

cowabunga

I've been trying to work on a joke about pizza, but it's really cheesey and the delivery is terrible.

how are these fucking things so fucking twisted?

I find it ironic that the inventor of Christmas lights hated Christmas so much that he wants everyone who purchases his product to hate it too.

snom snom something's wrong

Sometimes when I’m eating, I find that there's gravy or sauce or something halfway down my fork. How the fuck did that happen? Then all of a sudden, it’s on my hands, in my hair and on everything I’ve ever known.

jousting sticks

I bet when the medieval period finished, there was one guy who didn’t get told and still turned up to work in his suit of armour the next day.

My problem with clocks

Clocks are great, but I think more thought needed to go into the naming of its bits. Is the "second hand" the one that comes after the first hand, or is it the one that counts the seconds? Pisses me off, man. Fucking clocks.

I wish for world peace

I’m not going to say that the Miss Universe contest is rigged, but I will point out that the last 61 winners have been from Earth.

do u even lift?

I was going to go to the gym tonight, but my Facebook was down, so I just went home.

did you know...

Gary Oldman is in fact younger than Gary Numan.