I have this mate...

I have this mate who always has me in stitches.  Good thing he's a doctor.

Business acumen

I am really superstitious, so if I owned a business, I would never employ people who were unlucky.  I’d throw away half of the job applications without reading them.

Geddit?

I told my girlfriend she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

That "not-so-fresh" feeling.

Whenever I see someone throwing up, I can’t help but blame them – from the look of it, they’ve just eaten a whole lot of vomit.

LivingOnTheEdgeMan

I just put a USB into my computer and took it out without following the “eject USB safely” instructions.  I am pretty sure that makes me a super villain, or a renegade vigilante super hero at the very least.

The Driver's Wave

Whenever I'm driving and other people on the road yell at me for making a turn without indicating, it makes me wonder why they would try to focus on a small, blinking orange light, rather than the two-tonne machine travelling at 60 km per hour that it is attached to.

Impervious to some terrains

I think a good super power would be to know when you’re about to get a rock stuck in your shoe.  That way I could avoid walking through quarries.  Not that I walk through a lot of them to start with, but it would be a good incentive not to take up quarry-walking.

When you get a rock stuck in your shoe, you go through a few phases.  The first is, "OW FUCK!" and the second is, "I can ignore the pain using meditation and breathing practices that I've never done but have seen on TV," and the third is, "Fuck it, this is really annoying; I'm just going to sit down and get it out."

Tip for Halloween #1

Don’t throw away that ghost costume from Halloween!  Try using it as a bed sheet.

Magilla

I always wondered why coconuts were called coconuts, as they aren't nuts and contain no cocoa. Then I realised that if they were called "Hairy Gorilla Balls," no one would drink cocktails out of them.

Classic Greg

I think a fairly good super power would be instantly knowing how much sleep someone had the night before just by looking at them. That way, I could be all “oh really?” to people at work who say they “literally only got about 2 hours sleep” when I know for sure that they had a good 7 hours. I mean, I’m not going to need a cape and a secret identity, but it would make me feel good to call them out on it.

Job Interview Man

I think a good super power to have would be that when are talking to someone and you notice that they have a single random hair growing out of their cheek, you are able to ignore it and concentrate on what they are saying.

Obligatory "you don't make friends with salad" reference here

I really like eating salad, but I’ve found that the biggest problem with it is that it always tastes like salad.

NRL 2013: The Grand Final (that no one cares about)

And here it is, ladies and gents - this is what the whole season boils down to: The Motherfucking Grand Final, bitches. I'm writing this on my phone, so I apologise for formatting and stupid fucking auto-correct that keeps changing whatever I type to the word "shirt." It''s really passing me off.

Unfortunately, it has boiled down to a contest between the Sydney Roosters and the Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles. Now, I'm not saying that these teams aren't worthy of being in the granny , all I'm inferring is that these teams maybe aren't the most popular teams in all the land, and interest in the biggest game of the season is possibly the lowest it has been since... well, since the last time they played each other. I mean,fuck, the only way people could give less of a shirt about it is if the Gold Coast Titans were playing Penrith.

It is, however, an apt end to the week, which began with the presentation of the Dally M medal to the player voted the best throughout the season. In the end, Cooper Cronk got his hairy, sweaty palms on the award, which once again brought the game into disrepute, especially considering that Todd Carney and Jonathan Thurston were tied for second place. Who the fuck is voting for this nonsense? Obviously Cronk, Carney and Thurston 's mum's have their fingers in some pies, because none of those idiots should have even been invited to the Dally M, let alone consider winning it.

Who should have won, I hear you ask? No one. They should have written this year off and pretended that it never happened. Or given the award to me.

THE GRAND FINAL WOO

To really show the game off, and reward the spectators and supporters for continuing to follow the game through thick and thin, drug allegations, assault charges, sexual misdemeanors, public drunkenness , DUIs, players quitting clubs, coaches being fired, Twitter abuse and interviews with Geoff Toovey, the NRL have their finger right on the pulse, and have organised Tricky Martin to perform at the Grand Final. Because nothing says "rugby league" like a gay, Spanish pop star singing his latest dance track that sounds like his previous eighty dance tracks that weren't successful.

I think it's time for the NRL and Channel 9 to stop giving each other reach-arounds in terms of providing "entertainment" for the toothless masses, and look a bit further than the plethora of shithouse talent shows on the network and maybe do a bit of market research to find someone a bit better suited to sing at the games and Footy Show extravaganzas. I'm just not sure that Mr R. Martin would poll too highly on the typical NRL fan's list of "dickheads I'd like to see at the Grand Final." Just get Barnesy and Farnsey every fucking year. Can't go wrong.

Roosters vs Fucking Manly

Well, you have to go for someone, right?

Look for Mitch Pearce to provide his usual display of awesomeness, and do absolutely nothing for the full 80 minutes.And that, dear readers, will be the highlight of the match. That, and seeing Brent Stewart cry.