Ho ho ho

Well bugger me if it isn’t about 2 weeks till Christmas. I almost forgot to dig a chimney into the wall, stick my “Stop here, Santa” sign on the roof and hang my socks for the jolly red man to fill with presents.

Speaking of presents, I hear you all asking, “What’s in this year?” I’m glad you asked. I give you:

Mister Evil Breakfast’s Guide to Chrissy Pressies 2007

For the little brat that has everything, give him/her/it a hat that someone gave you in 1992, when the Chicago Bulls were ‘in’ and you desperately wanted Michael Jordan’s baby/rookie gold card that you would put in an airtight glass case, then put that in an airtight vault in an airtight country and then blast that country into space. I’m sure you had a plan for the rookie gold card as well. Hats are always a good idea, especially in these climate-changing days where your face can melt just by thinking about going outside. The Chicago Bulls are as well, cause they haven’t been good since 1995 or something, and are probably due for a comeback, if they’re still in the NBA. I really don’t know; I haven’t been interested in basketball since I discovered that it sucked.

For your mum and dad: Well, you probably know them better than I do, but you can never go wrong with CDs that are so generic it hurts. ‘The Best of Elvis Presley’, ‘Number 1’s of the 50s’, ‘Mozart’s Greatest Hits’, ‘Classical Classics’ and ‘Greatest Drumbeats of Early Man’ will really remind them just how old they are, and how little you expect their musical tastes have changed over the years.

Similarly, your uncle should receive either the ‘World’s Greatest Beer Drinking Songs’, ‘World’s Best Driving Songs’ or ‘Top Aussie Barbecue Tunes’ CD, which all, strangely, have the same songs on them.

For the grannies, don’t be afraid to go out on a limb and give an original present to the older ducks. Like lavender. Anything with lavender. Anything at all. Lavender and old peeps go together like super and glue. When they're apart, they’re ok, but put them together and you're having way more fun.

For your best mate, you should give something that will last forever and always remind them of you, regardless of what happens. A six-pack should suffice, but if you really want to go the extra 0.9144 meters, go for the Boags St. George, Little Creatures or Hahn Premium. If you couldn’t be arsed, don’t go any lower than Tooheys Extra Dry.

For that special someone, romance is the key. I recommend ‘Warnie’s Guide to Leg-Spin Bowling’, which not only includes all of Shane’s 708 Test wickets, it’s got every delivery that Warney ever appealed for, plus extensive reasoning by the great man himself as to why it should have been out. NOTE: Giving this gift may actually estrange you from your girlfriend over the Christmas/New Year period, but since the Boxing Day and New Year’s Tests are on, you weren’t likely to be seeing her very often anyway.

For the ladies to treat their gentlemen friends, I suggest ‘Warnie’s Guide to Leg-Spin Bowling’, just in case your boyfriend doesn’t give it to you. You can also bowl to him in the back yard, which means you get to spend more time together. It also means that he can slog you over the fence for a while, so he can finally be better at cricket than someone.

You know how people always say, “Oh, my little 2-year old was more interested in the paper and boxes than the toys!” Seriously, give the kid some boxes and paper. You CAN be that guy. Do it.


On the big day, make sure you have some ‘back up’ presents on hand, just in case some idiot and their cats drop by for a drink. Books you’ve read, DVDs you’ve watched and clothes you don’t want anymore are always good ideas. Wrap a few things on Christmas Eve just to be sure. NOTE: Make sure your unexpected X-mas well-wisher gives you a present first. You don’t want to give away your least favourite shit to a cheapskate, do you?

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There are so many great phrases in the Australian lexicon, like; "G'day no worries too right sheila blokey Warnie Boonie Merv," just to name one. "She'll be apples" and "git faaahked" are also useful in their versatility. And I'm sorry to my plethora of overseas readers, but you just can't get away with using our Aussie idioms if you don't have the beautiful drawl that comes from living this close to heaven.

But the single greatest phrase that can be uttered by... well... anyone, regardless of whether you're a sunburnt little dusty-faced dinki-di Aussie battler or Captain of the Sri Lankan Pudding Team, is "No offence, but..." It is basically the equivalent of a 'get out of jail free card'. It gives the speaker the right to bad-mouth anyone about anything, whether it's regarding their appearance, their lifestyle, their job, their personality, their dog, their obsession with cowboys, their choice of movie when you go to get a DVD, their toenails or their choice of capsicums or tomatoes on Ready Steady Cook. Simply prefix whatever you're thinking with "No offence, but", and let fly with the abuse.

Avoid this:
"Your hair looks shit."
"Fuck you, man."

by doing this:
"No offence, but your hair looks shit."
"I know, Stefan just hasn't been the same since his arm was bitten off by a rabid goat."

Here's a common scenario:
"I'm sleeping with your girlfriend."
"Fuck you, man."

Try this:
"No offence, but I'm sleeping with your girlfriend."
"Fuck you, man."
"Hey, I said 'no offence'."
"Oh. Right. Sorry."
"That's ok. Don't do it again though."
"I said I was sorry."
"Buy me a beer and we're even."
"Ok man."

If Hitler said "No offense, but I'm invading Poland," the world would be a very different place indeed.