may contain traces of peanuts

I think that if you're ever in a war, the best way to avoid being shot is to pretend you're The Mummy, because everyone who has ever seen a Mummy film knows that they can't be killed by being shot. You should keep an ear out for strange incantations though, cause if they find out that you're not The Mummy, they will probably shoot you.

Corey, story, allegory

Turkeys make great pets. But remember, they're just for Christmas.

love that joker

You know how when you're involved in an accident, and the seconds just prior to it go in super slow motion? Apparently it's for self-preservation, so that we can prepare ourselves for the impact. But what's the point of seeing everything in slow motion if our bodies also move in slow motion? When we realise that our hand isn't going to stop that ball from heading towards your face in time, we cry a little bit. In slow motion.

open the window

A funny thing to do is pretend that you're your own identical twin, and keep running out of the room and putting on a hat and then pretending that you're you again. Just be careful that you don't get drunk and lose your hat, or the jig will be up.

Elephants and stairs

Worms are amazing creatures. When I was a kid, I used to collect them in plastic tubs and watch them wriggle around. Did you know that if you cut a worm in half, they won't die, they'd just grow back the half that had been cut off?
In some ways, my brother has many worm traits. Unfortunately for him, that isn't one of them.

old age takes away from us what we have inherited and gives us what we have earned

In the olden days, I bet it was really embarrassing to turn up to a tea party and insult the party teapot. Someone would probably get a bit upset and some fine china could quite easily be broken in the ensuing scuffle. And then you'd feel bad and invite the party back to your place, and believe you me, you'd better have a pretty fancy teapot on hand, or the whole situation could escalate. That's why I have giant squid parties. No one ever makes fun of a giant squid.

beyond the yellow brick road

She was the Printer Fairy. Luminous and radiant, she would fix office printers with the greatest of ease. Jammed paper, empty toner cartridges and broken feeders were simply remedied. She had a gift, and used her super powers to help people the world over. This talent, however, was found to be pretty fucking useless when it came to escaping burning buildings, as she realised that fateful day in July.

oh my god i can't believe it

A great way to lose weight is to send your food to yourself through the mail. Even with Express Post, it would still take a day to arrive. If you're really fat, you could just courier it to yourself so you wouldn't have to wait as long.

this is obviously not true. i don't have an office

The branch manager came into my office today and said, "We are having a branch meeting. It is about a new branch opening up." During the meeting, I stood on my chair and made monkey noises and climbed up the blinds. I think humour is a good way to make people more comfortable in meetings. I must have been quite high up the blinds though, because I couldn't hear any laughing.