apples and oranges, really.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

actually, it was my brother's house...

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the footpath in front of my house. And I thought, I am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of alfoil and paper bags.

cricket

I think the world is missing "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap onto the top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a duck and its babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Watch those ducks go! Also, Baby Duck Hat would be good for parties.

it's raining

Most of the time in the Middle Ages, it was probably a bad thing to be stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

gamble everything for love

One day I saw a big kid beating up a smaller kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him a swift kick. He probably deserved it.

lost and found

One day, my friend rang me up and exclaimed, "I've found Jesus!" My response was "Brilliant, we're going to be rich!"

Turns out it was something completely different.

hot wife

I was having an affair with a friend's wife, and when I went to tell him, I started laughing. Not because I thought that his marriage breakdown was funny, but because of a joke I'd heard earlier that day. So I told my friend this joke, but he didn't laugh. Some friend he is.

the time is...

I think the most frightening thing for a flea would be to somehow get stuck inside a watch... You don't even care, do you?

tastes like chicken

Progress is an amazing thing. For instance, the first cigar was probably just a bunch of rolled up tobacco leaves. I think about this and laugh and laugh.

cold chicken

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take all of it for granted.

teh

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house, ring the doorbell and run away. I leave a Cabbage Patch doll with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

knock knock knocking

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm boy!

wibblelah!

As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henry thought back to the torture he had received just ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning," he thought, as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs, chest and groin.

deep

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

don't steal the...

I think that there should be a law for all the monkeys at the zoo to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotise you.

hack

I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh well, I never saw HIM again.

confucius say...

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

i'm going to be rich.

You know how to paint a room really fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.

i don't need no stinkin' animals...

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

i'm inspired today

If you ever fall off a tall building, just go limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy...

...love...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

will smith

If I lived back in the days of the wild west, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-arsed cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

barbeque

You know what's probably a good thing to outside your house in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? A big bag of blood.