NRL 2012: Round 1 - Seriously, already?

Ahoy there dickheads! Sorry it has been so long since my last post, but I’ve been busy posing as Shaun Marsh in the Australian cricket team. I never realised how hard batting would actually be, but I figured I’d give it a red hot go. Pity I ruined one man’s career, but I’m pretty sure it was worth it. For me. Not so much for him, but he washed my windscreen at the traffic lights the other day, and he was pretty good at it. Especially the second time I did a lap of the block just for him. I only gave him twenty cents though; I mean seriously, how hard could washing a windscreen possibly be? Not hard, especially with one of those baggy green squeegees. They’re very absorbent.

Cricket season is more or less coming to a close though, and thanks to regular commenter Mr Football, I’m banned from flogging Ricky Ponting until the end of the season. Due to my habit of flogging piss on Ponting (especially in his recent form), saying anything derogatory is outside of my contract, and as much as I’d like to say that he’s a fucking useless sack of shit who should have Swisse vitamins delivered up his arse via a douche canoe, I won’t.

Which brings me to...

WOO NRL 2012

There’s a lot to wonder about this season, most of which is about Todd Carney and his sexual prowess with dead hookers, stray cats and dead stray hooker cats.

The first round of the season is always a tricky one to tip, especially when you’re as drunk as I am now. But these things need to be done, and the rent needs to be paid. If only I got paid for this shit, the rent would be paid a lot easier than it is now, considering I spent all of my cash on beer and Radiohead tickets. Seriously, if someone wants to buy a Radiohead ticket off me, that would be great. And by Radiohead ticket, I mean a bottle of VB. And by a bottle of VB, I mean an empty can of VB. And by VB, I mean Tooheys Red. And by buy, I mean give me cash or I'll stab you with a broken bottle of it.

The NRL season kicks off tonight, so get your tips in, or cop the wrath that is the scorn of the office when they realise that you forgot that the traditional night of starting the season is a Thursday, rather than, you know, a fucking weekend. God forbid that the NRL allows you to wait until the cricket season, the working week, the Footy Show or a new series of the Big Bang Theory begins.

In any case, we have the following conundrums to contemplate:

Newcastle Knights vs St George-Illawarra Dragons Parramatta Eels vs Brisbane Broncos
Penrith Panthers vs Canterbury Bulldogs
North Queensland Cowboys vs Gold Coast Titans
New Zealand Warriors vs Manly Sea Eagles
Wests Tigers vs Cronulla Sharks
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Sydney Roosters

GAME OF THE ROUND:

Canberra Fucking Raiders vs Melbourne Storm

Oh go on, have a bitch about my tips. Regardless of the fact that the Raiders have somehow decided that signing the worst player in the NRL over the last three years, including Todd Carney coming off a massive meth bender, in the form of Michael Bani is a good idea, they’ll still have it over the Storm. Recent shithouse weather in Canberra, aka for the past twelve months, should take the most potent Melbourne weapon out of play; the inside pass to Billy Slater.

NOTE TO DAVID FURNER: IF YOU ARE READING THIS (AND YOU SHOULD BE), FOLLOWING TWO PASSES TO THE OUTSIDE, LOOK FOR THE INSIDE PASS TO BILLY SLATER IN THE 63^RD MINUTE. You know, just a prediction. Don’t put money on it or anything.

The presence of a certain Mister Evil Breakfast at the game should definitely push the Green Machine to victory, lest they feel my drunken crowbar wrath from wherever I decide to take refuge from the rain (NOTE TO DAVID FURNER: if it’s raining, I’ll probably just go to the pub to watch it, but I'll mail you a crowbar with which to bash yourself with).

I've got a good feeling about this 2012 year, despite what the Mayans and John Cusack have to say about it.

So lifelike it hurts.

Also, they missed an apostrophe in team's.